Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A Bard's Guide to Airport Survival


Remember when you could go to the airport and not look like you spent the last two hours on the couch watching chic flicks eating Ben and Jerry's? She asked, dancing on the stereotype, knowing it would one day be her grave.

Let's be honest, braving the airport these days is less than ideal. Procedures leave you tired and not really willing to even remotely try to dress like you're out in public because you have to remove half of it in security anyway. So let me make this a little easier on ya:

Boots. I've had a black pair of knee-high Doc Martens for about 3 years now and I absolutely adore them. They are (surprisingly) my go-to shoe for whenever I'm going to the airport.

(If anyone feels the inclination to buy the cherry red 1B60s pictured to the left, I'm a size 8. Just... saying...)

The in-sole zipper makes quick on and offs easy and not to mention it then makes room in my suitcase because the bulky shoes I wanted to bring are traveling via my feet.

Now of course any quick-zip up boot will do and the best part is, if you pick the right one, it can go with pretty much anything. Obviously I tend towards being a bit more quirky punk with my daily attire so the docs work.

Of course if it's summer, flip flops will also do... if you're okay walking barefoot on the airport floor... which I'm personally not.

Usually pair these bad boys with skinny jeans, t-shirt, and coat or what not. Preferably no pants that require a belt.


Keep your hair simple. I swear any strong amount of styling just tempts the TSA to pull you aside for a screening and then before you know it, they're rummaging about in your hair because clearly you're hiding explosives in it...

3. Luggage

If your carry-on is the size of an obese three-year-old and hauls with the weight of carrion, for the love of god, just check the bag.

It's $25, people. I know, I know, I too remember when checking one bag for free and not a privilege, but seriously. Just fork over the cash. Don't be that douche who wheels it to the gate, tries to fit it in ANY overhead bin and inevitably has to have them check it for free.

It's. Just. Tacky.

You're the airline equivalent of the person who orders "just hot water" and then surreptitiously puts a tea bag they brought from home into the cup.

I recommend buying some truly hideous luggage. That way you'll know exactly what bag is yours when it comes out of baggage claim and you won't be tempted to try to take it as a carry on because you'll want to get it away from you as fast as possible.

Mine is giraffe print. It's so ugly, it's almost cute.

4. Make Up A Back Story

This is really a weird tip, but if you ever run into those people who insist on talking to you on the plane, at least this way you'll be entertained. You could be British, inbred, on your way to your rich uncle's will reading--the sky is the limit. You'll either freak them out or end up doing all the talking because your fiction is likely more interesting that talky-talky's fact.

5. Electronics

Just. Turn. Them. Off.

I don't care if it's in airplane mode, I don't care if you don't believe it will actually make the plane go down. If it DOES go down, I'm blaming you.

I will take my lipstick and write "Douche-pop totally crashed this plane" on the wall as we're going down, and your relatives will live forever in shame because you were the asshole who was too good to turn his damn cellphone off. And the village will forsake them and they'll starve and die.

And it'll be your fault.

Also, jerk-wad, if someone politely asks if you'll turn off your phone for the fifteen minutes we're taking off or descending, how much ruder can you be to refuse? It's not hard. It doesn't harm you in anyway.

It's a matter of respect for that human being. Just because that human being is rendering you a service does not make them a servant. They are not below you.

Don't be a dick.

This concludes my travel tips for now, I hope you've enjoyed them.

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