Saturday, December 29, 2012

Love in the Time of Zombies

The Canadian: I do not remember getting home. Bah.

Kiri: Oooh, not good.

The Canadian: Alive... Just zombie-like.

Kiri: Noooo, human. I have no brains to feed you with if you're a zombie.

The Canadian: You do not carry spare brains? Boo... not much of a zombie plan, is that?

Kiri: I plan on shooting myself at the zombie apocalypse.

The Canadian: Lame.

Kiri: I'm not gonna be a zombie, dammit. And I would seriously slow down whoever I was with. Be a mercy kill.

The Canadian: You are small enough, I would yoda-carry you. Need to keep you for creativity at the least. The camp will need someone to keep morale high and entertainment value up, and write the story of survival.

Kiri: ...awww, that's hypothetically sweet.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Scandinavian Raspberry Ribbons

Christmas at my parents' house always means at least one thing: Amazing food--particularly in the baked goods area.

When he was younger, my father spent two years in Finland and naturally fell in love with a lot of their recipes and so many things from that area have made their way into our holiday traditions.

I'd like to share one of my favorites.

Raspberry ribbons are a delicious buttery tea-like cookie filled with raspberry jam.

What You'll Need:

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
1 large egg yolk
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 1/2 all-purpose flour
1/2 cup raspberry jam
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon cream
1/2 cup extra confectioners sugar

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Cover cookie sheet with parchment or baking paper.

In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar together until the sugar is fully incorporated. Add the egg yolk and vanilla and beat until light. Add the flour, little at a time, and mix until dough is smooth. No lumps!

Divide dough into fours. On a smooth surface, use your palms to roll each part into a strand about 3/4 inch thick and the length of the cookie sheet.

Place the strands about 2 inches apart on the paper-covered cookie sheet. With the side of your little finger, press a groove down the center of the length of each strand.

Bake for 10 minutes or until the cookies feel firm to the touch. Remove from the oven and pipe (or spoon) jam into the grooves. Return to the oven for 5 to 10 minutes or until cookies are a very pale golden brown.

To make the decoration, mix the confectioners' sugar, lemon juice and cream in a small bowl to make a smooth icing. Drizzle the icing down the length of the hot cookies.

While the cookies are still warm, cut them at a 45 degree angle into 1-inch lengths. Let cool on the baking sheets. When the frosting is set, transfer to an airtight tin. Store in a cool place or freeze.

Makes 4 dozen delicious cookies.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A Bard's Guide to Airport Survival


1. CLOTHING


Remember when you could go to the airport and not look like you spent the last two hours on the couch watching chic flicks eating Ben and Jerry's? She asked, dancing on the stereotype, knowing it would one day be her grave.

Let's be honest, braving the airport these days is less than ideal. Procedures leave you tired and not really willing to even remotely try to dress like you're out in public because you have to remove half of it in security anyway. So let me make this a little easier on ya:

Boots. I've had a black pair of knee-high Doc Martens for about 3 years now and I absolutely adore them. They are (surprisingly) my go-to shoe for whenever I'm going to the airport.

(If anyone feels the inclination to buy the cherry red 1B60s pictured to the left, I'm a size 8. Just... saying...)

The in-sole zipper makes quick on and offs easy and not to mention it then makes room in my suitcase because the bulky shoes I wanted to bring are traveling via my feet.

Now of course any quick-zip up boot will do and the best part is, if you pick the right one, it can go with pretty much anything. Obviously I tend towards being a bit more quirky punk with my daily attire so the docs work.

Of course if it's summer, flip flops will also do... if you're okay walking barefoot on the airport floor... which I'm personally not.

Usually pair these bad boys with skinny jeans, t-shirt, and coat or what not. Preferably no pants that require a belt.

2. HAIR

Keep your hair simple. I swear any strong amount of styling just tempts the TSA to pull you aside for a screening and then before you know it, they're rummaging about in your hair because clearly you're hiding explosives in it...

3. Luggage

If your carry-on is the size of an obese three-year-old and hauls with the weight of carrion, for the love of god, just check the bag.

It's $25, people. I know, I know, I too remember when checking one bag for free and not a privilege, but seriously. Just fork over the cash. Don't be that douche who wheels it to the gate, tries to fit it in ANY overhead bin and inevitably has to have them check it for free.

It's. Just. Tacky.

You're the airline equivalent of the person who orders "just hot water" and then surreptitiously puts a tea bag they brought from home into the cup.

I recommend buying some truly hideous luggage. That way you'll know exactly what bag is yours when it comes out of baggage claim and you won't be tempted to try to take it as a carry on because you'll want to get it away from you as fast as possible.

Mine is giraffe print. It's so ugly, it's almost cute.

4. Make Up A Back Story

This is really a weird tip, but if you ever run into those people who insist on talking to you on the plane, at least this way you'll be entertained. You could be British, inbred, on your way to your rich uncle's will reading--the sky is the limit. You'll either freak them out or end up doing all the talking because your fiction is likely more interesting that talky-talky's fact.

5. Electronics

Just. Turn. Them. Off.

I don't care if it's in airplane mode, I don't care if you don't believe it will actually make the plane go down. If it DOES go down, I'm blaming you.

I will take my lipstick and write "Douche-pop totally crashed this plane" on the wall as we're going down, and your relatives will live forever in shame because you were the asshole who was too good to turn his damn cellphone off. And the village will forsake them and they'll starve and die.

And it'll be your fault.

Also, jerk-wad, if someone politely asks if you'll turn off your phone for the fifteen minutes we're taking off or descending, how much ruder can you be to refuse? It's not hard. It doesn't harm you in anyway.

It's a matter of respect for that human being. Just because that human being is rendering you a service does not make them a servant. They are not below you.

Don't be a dick.


This concludes my travel tips for now, I hope you've enjoyed them.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Click the Sub-Header

 Because it's important to see this. 


Also...

Side note: For one moment, I'm going to ignore all of the terrible things the Westboro Baptist Church is responsible for. For one tiny moment, I'm going to forget every other heinous act of perpetuating hate.

Shirley Phelps-Roper continuously, and joyously talks about everyone's destruction and doomed trip to Hell.

Now if I truly thought someone was going to suffer for all eternity, regardless how well I knew them, I think that would break my heart.

But she's genuinely gleeful. In that--you're going to hell, ha ha, I'm not sort of way.

That's text-book "Pride", Shirley.

Last I heard, "Pride" was one of those sin things.

Huh.

Guess we'll see ya down there.

Friday, December 14, 2012

In response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting today


I’d like to say something about today, but I think writer’s may know best that words are rather useless in the face of tragedy. What happened was horrible. That’s really all there is to it.
And what makes it even more horrible is that there are aspects that likely could have been prevented.
I could talk about gun control, or maybe the shooter’s home life but… 
Let’s pick up our protest signs and petitions tomorrow. Today is the day we pay respect to what we've lost. To tell the people in your life you love them. Light a candle for those poor kids—both the ones who were taken and the ones who must deal with the trauma of living on.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow let’s do everything in our power to make sure this doesn't happen again. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Does Coffee Needs Ta Cut a B***h?

Have you ever thought to yourself: "That jerk just cut me in line? I will cut them with my Starbucks card!"?

Well now all those pre-caffeinated homicidal tendencies can be satiated!

Introducing the "Most Exclusive Starbucks Card ever" until they make another one!

This card is made of actual etched steel.
And they're $450.

Well... sort of. They load $400 onto your card, so technically it's $50 + $400 of money guaranteed to be spent on Starbucks product.

Doesn't that sound grand?

"It's the perfect gift for someone special or for yourself"

And it can be purchased with guilt! Err... I mean ON Gilt.

...that certainly can't be related, right? I mean, you're only paying $450 for a Starbucks card with gold level membership... where's the guilt in that?

Did I mention it's the same gold level membership that you can easily attain if you go to a Starbucks regularly enough?

Update courtesy of twitter (Thanks, Cory!) :


Oi... ouch.


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Stay For Brunch? - Cinnamon Dutch Babies with Caramel Apple Topping

Let's say you want some delicious brunch but you want to stay in. But what shall we have? Ever had a Dutch Baby?

Not only will you be able to wow your brunch guests, but you'll get to disturb anyone who doesn't know a Dutch Baby is in fact a baked eggy pancake.

Win/Win, right? Now this recipe makes enough for about 6 people (if no one wants seconds).

Let's break it down:

Tools You'll Need


Big Mixing Bowl
Whisk
4 1/2 - 5 qt Pan (Glass works best)
Oven
Stove
Big Skillet
Heat Resistant Rubber Spatula
Sauce Pan
Wooden Spoon
Oven Mitts
Pastry Brush (optional)

Cinnamon Dutch Baby

Ingredients:

1/2 cup of Butter
6 Eggs
1 1/2 cup Unbleached Flour (I prefer whole wheat)
1 1/2 cup Milk
1tsp Cinnamon
1tsp Nutmeg
1 1/2 tbsp Vanilla

Preheat oven to 425. Place butter in the glass pan and put in oven to melt. Keep an eye on it, butter burns.

In Mixing bowl, combine dry ingredients, add milk and then eggs and vanilla.

When butter is completely melted, pull the pan out (use your mitts!) and add the batter from the bowl. Use spatula to swirl butter inward.

Place in oven, let cook for 20 - 25 minutes. (Dutch Baby will rise up above the edges/create a wall/valley, no worries, that's totally normal). Should be golden brown at the end.

If there's an excess of butter on the top/valley area, you may want to take a pastry brush and use it to glaze the raised parts of the dutch baby.

Caramel Apple Topping

5 - 6 Apples
Caramel (8oz should do)

Peel the apples and cut them into chunks--you don't want them too small or they'll get soggy. Melt about 1/4 butter in the skillet and slowly add apples. Sauté apples so they are golden but relatively firm. Add cinnamon and nutmeg to taste.

In a Sauce pan, heat the caramel so it's easily pourable.


Cut a slice, cover in apple slices and drizzle on the caramel at your leisure.

And enjoy. =D

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie a San(wich) after Midnight...

 Won't somebody help me chase my hunger awaaaaay?

...Yeah, I did just parody ABBA... What of it?

I'm going to share with you one of my favorite sandwiches. It's not really a recipe, but worth breaking down for you.

Behold: The Napoleon. (Not a great picture, I admit)

Toasted Croissant sandwich of tasty win!

Here's what you'll need:

Croissant
Cheddar Cheese
Havarti Cheese
Turkey
Red Onion
Tomato
Lettuce (Butter Lettuce, Romaine, Iceberg)
Mayonaise
Honey Mustard
Optional: Avocado

Set oven to broil.

Use tinfoil on a cookie sheet to avoid mess. Place a cut croissant on cookie sheet with cheese slices on the top half and turkey slices on the bottom. Place red onion slices on top of the cheese. When it melts, it will help hold the onions in place. Put halves in the oven for about 3 minutes (or until the cheese gets good and melty.

Remove the halves and spread some mayo over the turkey. Then tomato slices, then the honey mustard and then (avocado if you want it and then) the lettuce. Put those two halves together and NOM AWAY.

This sammich can be a bit messy... but it's delicious, trust me.