Saturday, April 27, 2013

Life After Death

It's been almost exactly three months since Joel died.

I admit, the closer I got to my birthday, the more I became aware that life--especially my life--was still going, still changing.

I know nothing stops for the hard times--I really do get that. But February and March had this odd "on pause" kind of feeling. The weird thing is I was doing plenty, I just felt like I was in slow motion at the very least. A world made of molasses.

And then April hit and someone pressed "play". Wonderful things happened and terrible things happened, both globally and in my personal life.

My life started changing--rapidly. Things that had been slowly set up to be put into motion finally took off--like setting up dominoes that someone finally flicked over. 

I finished my first full length novel, it will be published no later than May. I'm working with an independent film company in Oregon on some extremely exciting projects that I'll be announcing soon. I've got two really exciting new writing collaborations lined up, one with the amazing Ren Cummins, another with a writer I've been wanting to work with for a while.

I've the honor of helping out my friend and not-so-secret internet crush Blake Northcott with the audio book of her upcoming hit, Arena-mode.

In two weeks my day job will be taking a huge step towards merging with my free-lance work while simultaneously helping out the giant financial burden my student loans have been weighing on me and my family.

Great things are finally falling into place.

And last night as we held a giant party celebrating my and two of my friends' birthdays last night it kind of hit me.

Life went on.

My brother died and life--my life--went on.

I know that's what's supposed to happen. I know this isn't Victorian times where you actually sequester yourself from society and go into 'mourning'.

But last night it just shook me and I felt somehow like I'd forgotten him by going on. I realize that's ridiculous.  It's interesting though... realizing it's only been 3 months. Keeping busy... it seems so much longer. And it seems like I shouldn't be struggling this much with it. 

And then I remember that you never really "get over" someone's death. I'm always reminded of this quote from the play "Rabbit Hole"--I hear it's also in the movie but on principal of the Hollywood alterations made to how the story is told, I haven't seen it. Anyway, the quote:

  1. Becca: Does it ever go away?
  1. Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't, and that's goin' on eleven years. It changes, though.
  1. Becca: How?
  1. Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful - But not all the time. It's kinda... not that you like it exactly, but it's what you have instead of your son, so you don't wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away, which is...
  1. Becca: What.
  1. Nat: Fine... actually.
 Today's post is more of a ramble than anything else...

I guess I just wanted to say... My life is taking off... and I wish he was here for that. I feel like I'm leaving him behind somehow.


  1. I know exactly how you feel! My brother died 22 years ago and even though it left a hole in my heart which will never be filled life did go on! It must! Glad everything is going so well Kiri!

  2. The moving on part is the hardest. For me, it's been harder with my younger sister's death since I was 13 when that happened rather than being 6 like I was for my older sister's death (that sentence was really difficult to put together so sorry if it didn't make sense.) My younger sister, Lydia, was with my for everything for 11 years. She was what kept me going through my mom's crappy relationships, all of the times we moved, dealing with my father's alcoholism, everything. So to deal with moving on with life without her has been quite unbearable some days. The most recent thing that has been difficult to realize she isn't around for is my growing interest in all things geeky/nerdy. I've always loved video games and things like that, but I didn't get into SciFi or Fantasy or the internet until a few years after she died. Sometimes it hits me how much she would love Doctor Who and Star Wars and Harry Potter, and it hurts to know she will never get to experience them with me. What I've found helps is keeping her picture in a locket that I can wear whenever I do something I know she would love. I wear it or keep it with me on all vacations I go on, especially to things like LeakyCon (and I know it will be coming with me to ECCC next year) but it just feels strange to realize that she's been gone for longer than half of the time she was alive now. I'm not a 13 year old girl anymore, and when I think of how much I've done in that time I become both sad and happy. I'm sad that she hasn't been with me but happy to see that I have made so much progress in life. It does get easier, but it never gets easy.