Thursday, May 2, 2013

Bro, Don't Be That Guy

Since the beginning of the internet, there has been a sacred rule, passed down through the generations from those who were there at the creation, to the n00bs who would come after: Don't Feed The Troll.

It's what they want, they're desperate for attention and really they're just gonna keep bugging you, completely oblivious, regardless at your prowess with verbal jousting.

Admittedly, that's where I personally have trouble. I'm an actor and a writer--throwing me a troll, especially a particularly dim-witted troll with a large ego, is like dangling a piece of yarn over a kitten. OMG OMG THIS IS GONNA BE AMAZING.

Because they make it so easy. Because whip lashing them with their own pathetic little insults would take barely the space of a moment and less than half a functioning brain cell, but we have to remember that even if you're the Shakespeare of insults (Who was still Shakespeare, btw) they're going to resort to a defense tactic first invented by six-year-olds, "I know you are, but what am I?"

It's a ridiculously stupid tactic, it's not actually that effective as you actually end up looking even more moronic than when you first started arguing... but a troll's inability to accept that they might possibly look stupid or may not be winning completely prevents your words from penetrating their brain. It's for these reasons we have been advised to not feed the trolls, just ignore them, keep on moving, nothing here to see, eventually they'll get bored and go away.

But I'd like to start encouraging a new rule. Well, it's not very new, iterations of it have existed for years--Wheaton's law being a shining example--but I'd like to at least toss my own endorsement behind the idea of maybe you should just not be a troll. I mean, yes, trolls should not be fed, but shouldn't we also be encouraging people to not be trolls? I'm gonna call it the "Bro, don't be that guy" clause.

...I realize no one will actually call it that, but I figured I'd throw it out there just in case.

I started thinking about this because of some hate that popped up on a youtube video randomly. Don't know this guy from Galifrey, have done nothing to offend him but poof, on my video (as youtube trolls are prone) telling me how bad my video is.

Now the first message "This Video sucks dick, actually my gf sucks harder." had me laughing at first, admittedly. I was admittedly jealous that his schedule was so vacuous that he has the time to watch and comment on videos he doesn't even enjoy. Can you imagine the amount of writing I'd get done with that kind of free time? My library would overfloweth.

It was also interesting to me that he managed to insist to the internet that he's getting epic loving from an alleged female companion while simultaneously insulting me, regardless that no one had questioned or even mentioned his prowess with the ladies. Me thinks he I tweeted about it to have a little giggle and left it at that.

I wanted to have a laugh about it without actually encouraging him, but then some benevolent Youtuber decided to hop in and take a shot at it.

And it was a little funny, mainly because I don't think I've spoken with this Youtuber before, and because he voiced at least one variation of the insult we all thought of when we first read that initial comment.

But of course he's a troll, so he's gonna come back with something.

And that's when it stopped being funny and started being really sad. Like, oh dear god, Fox News, shut up, now we're just embarrassed for you kind of sad.

And so I decided to take pity on him. I removed the comment (not before taking a screenshot first, obviously) to give him one get-out-of-this-hole-I'm-digging-free card. I removed his name so no 'fame' would be gained but a lesson could hopefully be learned.

Bro, don't be that guy.

Your insult and comeback skills are clunky at best. You're awkwardly desperate to insist that you not only have a girlfriend, but your genitals are formidable. You look pathetic. Even if by some miracle, both of those facts were true, by pure delivery alone, no one will believe you.

You're the internet equivalent of the Napolean complex, posturing about so much that you're clearly compensating for something and, considering the content of your comments, we all know what.

For now, you get to walk away and pretend you never did it. You're welcome.

Please learn from this. Please realize that you're only hurting yourself.

I certainly wasn't offended. Ignoring the ridiculously inadequate insult, who are you? No, really, who are you? We've never met and I've never heard of you so you have none of my respect and therefore your insults mean nothing.

YOU, however, are adding to your online presence which, judging by your own youtube page, isn't very grand to start with.

I hope you take this gesture to heart and maybe consider things a bit more in the future before running your mouth like a child who never got enough attention growing up.


  1. Reminds me of one of my favorite sayings (by Mark Twain?): "Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and then win by virtue of experience. "

  2. This blog sucks, actually my Dyson sucks harder, but in all fairness it's a Dyson Animal and it's meant for that sort of thing.

    (Kidding, of course. About the blog, that is - the vacuum part is true.)

    1. Dysons are amazing. They make me want to clean EVERYTHING!

    2. ... Want to come over? I'll let you use my Dyson all you want! I'm even in the Seattle area! :-P