Thursday, July 25, 2013

Happy Thought Thursday

So late last night I released our first behind the scenes video for Funeral Potatoes:


And for this week's Happy Thought, I wanted to talk a bit more about that.

I went to High School in Spokane, Washington, which if you've heard me talk about it before, was never very high in my esteem as a place to live.

Spokane is one of those places where they killed or drove out all of the Native Americans and then named the city after them. And while this is pretty much America's story in general,  Caucasian population is dominant to the point where you start to worry you may have wandered into a settlement of surprisingly friendly neo-nazis.

Seattle is really just a hop over the Snoqualmie pass but it was far enough from my parents that I felt I could carve out some kind of independent existence (ignoring that they were still my primary source of funding) but close enough that if I was really in any trouble, they could be there in a matter of hours.

This also separated me from any friends who stayed behind in Spokane and of course anyone who mosied off to another area for college. This left me with two friends from my original group in the same city and neither went to my school.

Cornish was hard, I won't lie--it took up 14+ hours of my day and even more if I had rehearsal. Not having a friend on the inside was really starting to wear on me.

One friend was just as busy as I was and going to UW we didn't see a lot of each other... and the other...

The other decided we would no longer be friends and eventually sent me on a spiral that had me questioning my value and worth as a person.


Around this time I was also experiencing a severe crisis of faith--I had been lovingly raised in a religion which, now that I was older, seemed sexist, racist, homophobic and hypocritical. I was pretty sure, if there was in fact a god of some kind up there, she/he was far more benevolent than any of this church's teachings would have me believe.

So, needless to say, I was not in a good place. To be more blunt, it was the first and only time I'd seriously considered self-harm.

And then, thankfully, my luck changed. And really not a moment too soon.

Melanie was genuine and wanted nothing from me other than friendship. And the thing is, she wasn't the only friend I made around that time. 

I also met Mike and Lyz, who became a second family, who deserve a Happy Thought Thursday all their own, and who were also a huge part of pulling me out of that ditch. Unfortunately, they lived in Renton and it would be a while before we could hang out consistently.

Since Melanie went to the same school, we were in the trenches together so-to-speak. And thankfully from Sophmore year onward, we even had the same classes together (Cornish puts you into sections where you share the same core classes with the same 10-13 people). She was the constant companion at my side and kept the stress and emotional strain from classes from pushing me back down into that ditch.

She was the Sam to my Frodo in that respect... and also the Merry to my Pippin in others.

My best friend and happy thought. Thank you, Mel.

6 comments:

  1. That was really nice, and I am betting highly appreciated.
    And I can't help but notice you squeezed in a use of the word 'platonic' after your video entry of the same. Well played. :)

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    1. Well now that I've explained it, I get to use it in a sentence, right?

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  2. As I tweeted, it is brave to reveal darker emotions, thoughts, feelings in one's past. So I commend you. I speak freely to most about the darker side of my thoughts, past, emotions, all of it, save for a select few. I know it is hard to be in THAT place that you were in college. The spiraling down, the loss of friends, the thoughts of self harm, and no companion at your side (be it best friend, a muse, a mentor, or someone more), not having that person is hard. Even being in a relationship isn't always a solution to things like that, sometimes you need a friend, someone to be there in those trenches with you, to take on the same fire and survive it with you. Those kind of companions are few and far between in life, because a lot of times the tests and trials that time tends to put us through, will take away most close to us who cannot stand to either see us suffer it, or do not want to risk suffering it themselves. Right now is a time where I have spiraled too, and nearly hit bottom. I have no companion anymore, no relationship, few friends, and best friends who I have caused such problems with that the friendship is frail, fragile, and fleeting. Sometimes I can go days or weeks without speaking to or hearing from them, and they do not share their lives as much as they used to with me, and I cannot share my life or feelings the same anymore. I have my good days, my bad, and days mostly where I let myself scream in my mind in the background and cry and suffer inside as I let my masks - forged so long and strong in the fires of life and anguish - carry me through most everything, and not let people see the pain or sorrow I am in behind them. I share all of this now because I do not hold any of this back from those I feel are honest, and open, and truthful and brave and kind. You shared with us, so I share with you, and all who have made it this far through my horribly written, choppily worded atrocity of a posting. I am in what I feel right now, is my 6th incarnation, of the man I have been over my life. I have suffered and felt like I died so many times, through losses, and heartache, and broken promises and dreams. Each man I was before, had someone, a companion, always there, but each time they leave or I cause them to leave. I am like the 10th Doctor, near the end, no companion, friends about who I can call to for help and they would drop anything to help me, but it isn't the same. When you have no companion, you have no relationship, when you have no muse; without atleast one of those, or all of those within a few people, or even all within one, life can tend to roll into a spiraling darkness that is so hard to make it through. But it isn't an endless road, many get out of it. Like Kiri, like I did more times than I deserved in the past. Someday I hope to get out of it again, but who knows when that will be, but I have faith it will be someday, somehow, with someone. I hope that everyone holds on till their companion comes, to pull them from that spiral, to suffer with them through the fray, to go into the trenches with them and be there for them through anything and everything or most things that life can offer. Kiri I posted all this out of a want to show both that I understand that kind of spiral, I have been there, I have questioned faith, life, all of it; but I also wanted to show that I have gotten out of this before, I pry will again. And I wanted all who saw your post, who read it, who read THIS, or watched the video; that there is a way out - to hold on until you find that companion who will take your hand and lead you through it, be they best friend, be they a lover, even a stranger. I hope my words and Kiri's both have helped someone who has gone through this, or like me who IS going through it, to see that there can be release from it, that holding on and being brave and waiting is the answer. It may be hard, but look at Kiri - a beautiful, amazing, funny and shining example that being in a spiral down that far could eventually lead to amazing success, and amazing friends and futures.

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  3. Friends can really help you through dark times. I was suicidal at one point when I was stuck in my small home town in the interior of BC. Things got better eventually when I left for college, made new friends, forced myself to think positive. I still struggle with depression now and then, but it's pretty mild most of the time. We all have our "demons" as the saying goes.

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  4. Loved this Happy Thought Thursday. :)

    It reminded me of a girl who throughout middle school and high school was my best friend. We were each others anchors during rough times. We haven't talked since school ended in 2009, but I miss her bunches every day, and more so lately.

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